Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
