i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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