Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
