I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
