Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
