i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
