I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
