I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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