Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
