The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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