it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
