respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
