YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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