My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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