i just google imaged poop.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
