Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize