My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
