Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
