That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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