My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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