Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
