why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize