Can i not drive my cunt home
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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