just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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