I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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