I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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