I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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