Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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