i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
