Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
