I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
