You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
