sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
