i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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