Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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