People in love make me want to vomit
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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