I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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