my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
