so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize