everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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