Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
