We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
