your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
