So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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