It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
