are you still at the devil's house?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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