I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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