Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
