Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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