lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
