so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
