Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He has the fingertips of a God
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