the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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