Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How external is "for external use only"?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
