Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
