I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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