I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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