I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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