i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
