its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
